And the Winner Is...
Monday, October 26, 2009 at 11:38AM Ancient Wisdom, Contemporary Power!
There are people who love a good argument. You know them personally because they have been or are your friend, family member or perhaps it’s you. I remember as a young man growing up in the West End of Louisville, KY how my friends would challenge one another to slap boxing matches.
I did not join in the slap boxing matches because I never really understood why people felt compelled to slap one another. I was a training martial artist and felt that the only person I should strike is an enemy who desires to do me grievous harm. Even in sparring matches we were careful not to injure or embarrass our sparring partner. We were there to learn and to improve at our art and sparring provided a safe and respectful way to achieve that end. We became “partners” in our mutual improvement.
Our teacher, “Uncle Sonny” always said, “In sparring I borrow your body, I will not hurt you and I will return it to you in better condition than when you loaned it to me.” It was our mutual responsibility to respect the other person and to create a competitive, yet safe learning laboratory for our art.
This safe respectful laboratory approach to sparring was not shared on the concrete and asphalt canvasses of the back alley slap boxing matches. What presumably began as a friendly contest between partners/running buddies quickly descended into a wholesale fist fight.
For every slap boxing match I witnessed, I saw one very hard strike to the face followed by some version of this response, “Hey man, you are hitting too hard, so it’s like that huh?” Following some version of those words the slaps became wilder and harder and eventually became closed fists.
It was for this reason that I decided never to slap box. I made that decision out of wisdom rather than out of fear as some would suggest. I chose to refrain from slap boxing matches because I never saw even one end the way they began, friendly.
Proverbs echoes this truth by saying “Starting a quarrel is like opening a floodgate, so stop before a dispute breaks out.” Proverbs 17:14 (NLT) In the same way, slap boxing was the prelude to a destructive encounter and the potential end of a friendship. The wisdom of Proverbs is indisputable. An earlier version of the New Living Translation interpreted a portion of this scripture with the following words, “so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.”
There is great wisdom in this for every type of relationship from the youngest to the oldest, from the
playgrounds and school yards, to the marital bedrooms and corporate boardrooms. We are wired for either, “Fight or Flight”. The challenge is that for those who chose flight, they will likely do it with their opponent pursuing them all the way.
While I do not advocate violence, I do not advocate victimization as its alternative. The better path and the greater wisdom are found in the Proverb, “Do not start a quarrel!” The unfortunate reality is that you may not be the one who starts the quarrel, but you may end it by choosing to drop the matter. You will always have control over how you respond to a challenge that is presented. You never have to respond to a question, query or challenge in the manner expected by the person or group issuing it. You have complete control over your response. Never allow fear of what others might say about your choice to determine the choice that you make.
In the end, keeping the floodgates closed preserves life, health and relationships. The same chapter of the Proverbs offers this wisdom in 17:19 “Anyone who loves to quarrel loves sin; anyone who speaks boastfully invites disaster.” You draw your own conclusions about people who choose to start and or love to quarrel. The truth is that adults who love to quarrel are just like back alley slap boxers destined to get hit too hard and then all HELL breaks loose. The only sure way to win is to drop the matter before the dispute breaks out.
