Listening is Loving in Relationships!

It has been observed that we have two eyes and two ears to receive information and only one mouth to send information and that we ought to use them in that proportion.  If we use this as a model for relationships we should invest 80% of our time listening and focusing on the other person and only 20% of the time speaking.  Listening is a skill that can only be acquired through diligence and practice.

Dale Carnegie, in his famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, said, “So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist; be an attentive listener.  To be interesting, be interested.  Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering.  Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.” 

Building healthy relationships requires a few well developed skills and some degree of creative artistry.  Yet no skill is more valuable than the art of listening. One of the greatest challenges in many relationships is that we don’t listen to what people say and worse, we don’t listen for what they aren’t saying.

The True Value of Relationship

If you fail to value relationship, then you will not study the art of listening.  Relationship is the chief concern of healthy people.  Studies show that married people live longer lives than their single counterparts.  Healthy growing relationships add dimension and depth to our lives.  We express ourselves through relationships and we discover more about ourselves through relationships. 

The true value of relationship is found in its ability to multiply us, to magnify our gifts and to compensate for our weaknesses.  We are made better by the complement of healthy relationship. 

Healthy Relationships Thrive on Good Communication

Thriving community is rooted in healthy communication.   Healthy communication is build upon the skill and art of listening.  We listen to and focus upon the things or the people we value the most.  Our relationships are molded and made by the give and take of communication.

One of the chief challenges to a healthy relationship is “noise” otherwise known as “static” in the channel between the speaker and the listener.  We all interpret what we see, hear and perceive through the filter of personal experiences, biases and attitudes.  Often we fail to hear what the other person means because we interpret their words in ways that fail to capture their intended meaning. 

Dr. Osmo Wiio, the Finnish researcher concluded four things about communication which have become known as “Wiio’s Laws”.  His insights may inform our efforts to improve as listeners and our goal of building healthy, productive relationships.  He says,

<> If communication can fail, it will.

<> If a message can be understood in different ways, it will be understood in just that way which does the most harm.

<> There is always somebody who knows better than you what you meant by your message.

<> The more communication there is, the more difficult it is for communication to succeed.

Because there are inherent challenges to effectively communicating we must invest more time in effectively listening.  One way to learn how to communicate more effectively is by practicing certain active listening skills. It is perfect practice makes for a perfect performance.  Here are four listening skills you can practice.

1.) Listen with your entire body.  When listening, look at the person’s face and position your body in a fashion that says to them, “You have my undivided attention.”

2.) Use the listening device, minimal encouragers.  These are small statements such as, “uh huh,” “yes,” “that’s right,” or “and then?” Minimal encouragers may also be gestures or facial expressions such as gently nodding at the person speaking or a slight smile which suggests that you enjoy their voice or the information they are sharing. 

3.) When you are unsure, or disagree with the speaker, ask a listening question such as, “Did I hear you correctly when you said, __________?” or “let me tell you what I’m hearing you say,__________________.  Is that what you mean?”

4.) Finally, turn off the radio, television, running water or whatever other distractions which may be static in the communication channel between you and the person speaking.  Simply say, “Hey wait a minute,” or “Hold your thought, I want to hear what you are saying.”  Then turn off the distraction and give them your whole undivided attention. 

Learning how to effectively listen can be the source of great vitality in healthy as well as floundering relationships.   It is important that you both agree to listen and hear each other before you make a decision to act.  If we keep our eyes and ears open wide we will have fewer occasions to put your foot in your mouth.  Listen more, your relationships depend on it.

And the Winner Is...

Ancient Wisdom, Contemporary Power!

There are people who love a good argument.  You know them personally because they have been or are your friend, family member or perhaps it’s you.  I remember as a young man growing up in the West End of Louisville, KY how my friends would challenge one another to slap boxing matches. 

I did not join in the slap boxing matches because I never really understood why people felt compelled to slap one another.  I was a training martial artist and felt that the only person I should strike is an enemy who desires to do me grievous harm.  Even in sparring matches we were careful not to injure or embarrass our sparring partner.  We were there to learn and to improve at our art and sparring provided a safe and respectful way to achieve that end.  We became “partners” in our mutual improvement. 

Our teacher, “Uncle Sonny” always said, “In sparring I borrow your body, I will not hurt you and I will return it to you in better condition than when you loaned it to me.”  It was our mutual responsibility to respect the other person and to create a competitive, yet safe learning laboratory for our art. 

This safe respectful laboratory approach to sparring was not shared on the concrete and asphalt canvasses of the back alley slap boxing matches.  What presumably began as a friendly contest between partners/running buddies quickly descended into a wholesale fist fight.

For every slap boxing match I witnessed, I saw one very hard strike to the face followed by some version of this response, “Hey man, you are hitting too hard, so it’s like that huh?”  Following some version of those words the slaps became wilder and harder and eventually became closed fists.

It was for this reason that I decided never to slap box.  I made that decision out of wisdom rather than out of fear as some would suggest.  I chose to refrain from slap boxing matches because I never saw even one end the way they began, friendly.

Proverbs echoes this truth by saying “Starting a quarrel is like opening a floodgate, so stop before a dispute breaks out.” Proverbs 17:14 (NLT) In the same way, slap boxing was the prelude to a destructive encounter and the potential end of a friendship.  The wisdom of Proverbs is indisputable.  An earlier version of the New Living Translation interpreted a portion of this scripture with the following words, “so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.” 

There is great wisdom in this for every type of relationship from the youngest to the oldest, from the playgrounds and school yards, to the marital bedrooms and corporate boardrooms. We are wired for either, “Fight or Flight”.  The challenge is that for those who chose flight, they will likely do it with their opponent pursuing them all the way. 

While I do not advocate violence, I do not advocate victimization as its alternative.  The better path and the greater wisdom are found in the Proverb, “Do not start a quarrel!”  The unfortunate reality is that you may not be the one who starts the quarrel, but you may end it by choosing to drop the matter.  You will always have control over how you respond to a challenge that is presented.  You never have to respond to a question, query or challenge in the manner expected by the person or group issuing it.  You have complete control over your response.  Never allow fear of what others might say about your choice to determine the choice that you make. 

In the end, keeping the floodgates closed preserves life, health and relationships.  The same chapter of the Proverbs offers this wisdom in 17:19 “Anyone who loves to quarrel loves sin; anyone who speaks boastfully invites disaster.”   You draw your own conclusions about people who choose to start and or love to quarrel.  The truth is that adults who love to quarrel are just like back alley slap boxers destined to get hit too hard and then all HELL breaks loose.  The only sure way to win is to drop the matter before the dispute breaks out.

War and Peace In Relationships: Real Or Imagined

One of the most challenging aspects of relationship is managing our anger over real or imagined events in our lives. Think about it, have you ever become angry with a friend, family member or intimate partner only to realize that they never really did anything to make you angry? Have you ever felt angry for no obvious reason?

Undoubtedly, you are the victim of stress. Your inward conflict is externalizing through your relationships. The real enemy is stress in your life and not the person upon whom the stress is being deflected. Perhaps you have experienced this as the person who was the object of the anger, for no apparent reason.

Learning how to manage our relationships during stressful times is critical to their long term success. The unfortunate truth is we have likely been on both sides of the equation. Fortunately God offers the following wisdom that can help us:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

The wisdom in this statement presupposes that the partners have a clear intent for their relationship. Ask yourself, “Have I thought clearly about the desired outcome for each of my most valued relationships?” “What do I want to achieve in my friendships, with my family and my intimate relationship?”

Decide what you want to achieve and resolve to align your actions and comments with your intention. In many years of mentoring couples and men of all ages, I have found that the greatest challenge is that few people think beyond the momentary offense, real or imagined. When you fail to look at the long-term as well as the big picture you will make poor decisions that are based solely upon the ire of the moment. You are making live altering decisions about relationships driven by a temporary emotional overload.

Anger Experts

We all know how to anger our partners, family and friends. If you don’t know their soft spots, then you either haven’t known them very long or you haven’t been paying attention. I always advise people to study your mate, discover the things which ignite anger, sadness and frustration and make it your business to steer them and yourself away for those topics, if at all possible.

You may think that this is a coward’s way out and that you have the “right” to address these issues. God counsels us in Romans 12:28;

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

God understands that there are times when you will not be able to live at peace with people because they will not allow it. At the same time we are instructed to live “at peace” if the peace depends on us. You do not have to be a doormat; God has released you from that humiliation. At the same time we are not given permission to be destroyers and wreckers of relationships simply because we can. If the peace in your relationships depends upon you, FIX the problem. You honor God in Christ when you are obedient and everyone around you benefits from the healthy relationship.

I am not suggesting that you avoid confrontation to resolve destructive issues in your family or circle of friends? I am saying; choose carefully which issues become part of your non-negotiables and drive the direction of your relationships.

Once you have concluded what you will not accept, make sure that you are not imagining the existence of these issues. Examine yourself first before you consider another. Jesus said it best,” Do not judge others and you will not be judged.” Matthew 7:1 (NLT)

God offers insight for us as we struggle to manage ourselves and prosper our relationships. He says, “Only simpletons believe everything they are told! The prudent carefully consider their steps. The wise are cautious and avoid danger; fools plunge ahead with reckless confidence.” Proverbs 14:15&16 (NLT)

It is in our collective best interest that we believers and disciples of Jesus Christ accept and follow the wisdom of God. To maintain and build healthy, life-giving relationships we must remain focused upon the wisdom of God who created relationships. He is the first Lover. Before creation was formed God purposed to create healthy, life-giving and loving relationships. Relationships are healthier when guided by this simple, single principle:

“Prioritize the long-term health of the relationships over the short-term offense or problem which threatens the health of your relationship.”