War and Peace In Relationships: Real Or Imagined

One of the most challenging aspects of relationship is managing our anger over real or imagined events in our lives. Think about it, have you ever become angry with a friend, family member or intimate partner only to realize that they never really did anything to make you angry? Have you ever felt angry for no obvious reason?

Undoubtedly, you are the victim of stress. Your inward conflict is externalizing through your relationships. The real enemy is stress in your life and not the person upon whom the stress is being deflected. Perhaps you have experienced this as the person who was the object of the anger, for no apparent reason.

Learning how to manage our relationships during stressful times is critical to their long term success. The unfortunate truth is we have likely been on both sides of the equation. Fortunately God offers the following wisdom that can help us:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

The wisdom in this statement presupposes that the partners have a clear intent for their relationship. Ask yourself, “Have I thought clearly about the desired outcome for each of my most valued relationships?” “What do I want to achieve in my friendships, with my family and my intimate relationship?”

Decide what you want to achieve and resolve to align your actions and comments with your intention. In many years of mentoring couples and men of all ages, I have found that the greatest challenge is that few people think beyond the momentary offense, real or imagined. When you fail to look at the long-term as well as the big picture you will make poor decisions that are based solely upon the ire of the moment. You are making live altering decisions about relationships driven by a temporary emotional overload.

Anger Experts

We all know how to anger our partners, family and friends. If you don’t know their soft spots, then you either haven’t known them very long or you haven’t been paying attention. I always advise people to study your mate, discover the things which ignite anger, sadness and frustration and make it your business to steer them and yourself away for those topics, if at all possible.

You may think that this is a coward’s way out and that you have the “right” to address these issues. God counsels us in Romans 12:28;

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

God understands that there are times when you will not be able to live at peace with people because they will not allow it. At the same time we are instructed to live “at peace” if the peace depends on us. You do not have to be a doormat; God has released you from that humiliation. At the same time we are not given permission to be destroyers and wreckers of relationships simply because we can. If the peace in your relationships depends upon you, FIX the problem. You honor God in Christ when you are obedient and everyone around you benefits from the healthy relationship.

I am not suggesting that you avoid confrontation to resolve destructive issues in your family or circle of friends? I am saying; choose carefully which issues become part of your non-negotiables and drive the direction of your relationships.

Once you have concluded what you will not accept, make sure that you are not imagining the existence of these issues. Examine yourself first before you consider another. Jesus said it best,” Do not judge others and you will not be judged.” Matthew 7:1 (NLT)

God offers insight for us as we struggle to manage ourselves and prosper our relationships. He says, “Only simpletons believe everything they are told! The prudent carefully consider their steps. The wise are cautious and avoid danger; fools plunge ahead with reckless confidence.” Proverbs 14:15&16 (NLT)

It is in our collective best interest that we believers and disciples of Jesus Christ accept and follow the wisdom of God. To maintain and build healthy, life-giving relationships we must remain focused upon the wisdom of God who created relationships. He is the first Lover. Before creation was formed God purposed to create healthy, life-giving and loving relationships. Relationships are healthier when guided by this simple, single principle:

“Prioritize the long-term health of the relationships over the short-term offense or problem which threatens the health of your relationship.”