There are people who love a good argument.  You know them personally because they have been or are your friend, family member or perhaps it’s you.  I remember as a young man growing up in the West End of Louisville, KY how my friends would challenge one another to slap boxing matches. 

I did not join in the slap boxing matches because I never really understood why people felt compelled to slap one another.  I was a training martial artist and felt that the only person I should strike is an enemy who desires to do me grievous harm.  Even in sparring matches we were careful not to injure or embarrass our sparring partner.  We were there to learn and to improve at our art and sparring provided a safe and respectful way to achieve that end.  We became “partners” in our mutual improvement. 

Our teacher, “Uncle Sonny” always said, “In sparring I borrow your body, I will not hurt you and I will return it to you in better condition than when you loaned it to me.”  It was our mutual responsibility to respect the other person and to create a competitive, yet safe learning laboratory for our art. 

This safe respectful laboratory approach to sparring was not shared on the concrete and asphalt canvasses of the back alley slap boxing matches.  What presumably began as a friendly contest between partners/running buddies quickly descended into a wholesale fist fight.

For every slap boxing match I witnessed, I saw one very hard strike to the face followed by some version of this response, “Hey man, you are hitting too hard, so it’s like that huh?”  Following some version of those words the slaps became wilder and harder and eventually became closed fists.

It was for this reason that I decided never to slap box.  I made that decision out of wisdom rather than out of fear as some would suggest.  I chose to refrain from slap boxing matches because I never saw even one end the way they began, friendly.

Proverbs echoes this truth by saying “Starting a quarrel is like opening a floodgate, so stop before a dispute breaks out.” Proverbs 17:14 (NLT) In the same way, slap boxing was the prelude to a destructive encounter and the potential end of a friendship.  The wisdom of Proverbs is indisputable.  An earlier version of the New Living Translation interpreted a portion of this scripture with the following words, “so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.” 

There is great wisdom in this for every type of relationship from the youngest to the oldest, from the playgrounds and school yards, to the marital bedrooms and corporate boardrooms. We are wired for either, “Fight or Flight”.  The challenge is that for those who chose flight, they will likely do it with their opponent pursuing them all the way. 

While I do not advocate violence, I do not advocate victimization as its alternative.  The better path and the greater wisdom are found in the Proverb, “Do not start a quarrel!”  The unfortunate reality is that you may not be the one who starts the quarrel, but you may end it by choosing to drop the matter.  You will always have control over how you respond to a challenge that is presented.  You never have to respond to a question, query or challenge in the manner expected by the person or group issuing it.  You have complete control over your response.  Never allow fear of what others might say about your choice to determine the choice that you make. 

In the end, keeping the floodgates closed preserves life, health and relationships.  The same chapter of the Proverbs offers this wisdom in 17:19 “Anyone who loves to quarrel loves sin; anyone who speaks boastfully invites disaster.”   You draw your own conclusions about people who choose to start and or love to quarrel.  The truth is that adults who love to quarrel are just like back alley slap boxers destined to get hit too hard and then all HELL breaks loose.  The only sure way to win is to drop the matter before the dispute breaks out.

Then there are those who love to hear themselves talk.  They relish the sound of their voice and cherish their forcefully shared views.  I know people who would rather speak than listen and are so uncomfortable with silence that they compulsively fill it with noise. 

It is the malady of post-modernity.  We have become so accustomed to auditory stimulation that we must play our televisions and radios in the background to drown out the silence.  The challenge is that we have become a people who are more distracted by silence than we are by the indiscriminate noise that pollutes our world. 

When I see a friend or an acquaintance they will occasionally ask, “What do you say?”  My patent reply is, “Not much, because it keeps me out of trouble.”  I have learned that I should speak only when it is necessary and even then only when the necessity is a demand specific to me. 

The Wisdom Literature of the Bible counsels us that, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.”  Proverbs 18:21 The words we speak produce a return and which will return to us.  It is for this reason that a wise person finds comfort in silence. 

God goes on further in Proverbs 17:27 and says, “A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered. 28 Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent”

Silence is the womb of thought, innovation and productivity.  We become wiser by our silence because we are properly positioned to receive instruction and wisdom from other sources. Proverbs 13:3 tells us, “The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.” NASV

There are times when we must speak!  We must speak when what we have to contribute increases the quality of life in those to whom we speak.  Speak when your words encourage, instruct and correct; always weighing your words because you may have to wear them if they return to you.

Speak only life and discover the pleasure and power of silence.  When you quiet your mind, you are in the best posture to hear from Heaven.  Remember…

“When you are talking, you’re not learning because what you are saying, you already know!”

Undoubtedly, you are the victim of stress. Your inward conflict is externalizing through your relationships. The real enemy is stress in your life and not the person upon whom the stress is being deflected. Perhaps you have experienced this as the person who was the object of the anger, for no apparent reason.

Learning how to manage our relationships during stressful times is critical to their long term success. The unfortunate truth is we have likely been on both sides of the equation. Fortunately God offers the following wisdom that can help us:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

The wisdom in this statement presupposes that the partners have a clear intent for their relationship. Ask yourself, “Have I thought clearly about the desired outcome for each of my most valued relationships?” “What do I want to achieve in my friendships, with my family and my intimate relationship?”

Decide what you want to achieve and resolve to align your actions and comments with your intention. In many years of mentoring couples and men of all ages, I have found that the greatest challenge is that few people think beyond the momentary offense, real or imagined. When you fail to look at the long-term as well as the big picture you will make poor decisions that are based solely upon the ire of the moment. You are making live altering decisions about relationships driven by a temporary emotional overload.

Anger Experts

We all know how to anger our partners, family and friends. If you don’t know their soft spots, then you either haven’t known them very long or you haven’t been paying attention. I always advise people to study your mate, discover the things which ignite anger, sadness and frustration and make it your business to steer them and yourself away for those topics, if at all possible.

You may think that this is a coward’s way out and that you have the “right” to address these issues. God counsels us in Romans 12:28;

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

God understands that there are times when you will not be able to live at peace with people because they will not allow it. At the same time we are instructed to live “at peace” if the peace depends on us. You do not have to be a doormat; God has released you from that humiliation. At the same time we are not given permission to be destroyers and wreckers of relationships simply because we can. If the peace in your relationships depends upon you, FIX the problem. You honor God in Christ when you are obedient and everyone around you benefits from the healthy relationship.

I am not suggesting that you avoid confrontation to resolve destructive issues in your family or circle of friends? I am saying; choose carefully which issues become part of your non-negotiables and drive the direction of your relationships.

Once you have concluded what you will not accept, make sure that you are not imagining the existence of these issues. Examine yourself first before you consider another. Jesus said it best,” Do not judge others and you will not be judged.” Matthew 7:1 (NLT)

God offers insight for us as we struggle to manage ourselves and prosper our relationships. He says, “Only simpletons believe everything they are told! The prudent carefully consider their steps. The wise are cautious and avoid danger; fools plunge ahead with reckless confidence.” Proverbs 14:15&16 (NLT)

It is in our collective best interest that we believers and disciples of Jesus Christ accept and follow the wisdom of God. To maintain and build healthy, life-giving relationships we must remain focused upon the wisdom of God who created relationships. He is the first Lover. Before creation was formed God purposed to create healthy, life-giving and loving relationships. Relationships are healthier when guided by this simple, single principle:

“Prioritize the long-term health of the relationships over the short-term offense or problem which threatens the health of your relationship.”

Edification is essential to building a healthy self-concept and therefore is critical to a life of faith. Edification is the process of building a person through appropriate and positive praise. Most people experience de-edification, in other words, people are torn down by others either intentionally or unintentionally.

Criticism and Correction are not the same thing. The difference between the two is as stark as the following statements:

1. "You are so stupid, can’t you get anything right. I’ve told you a million times what to do and how to do it.”
2. "Okay, we have talked about this before, let’s see if we can get this to work this time, let me show you again how to do this.”

It is easier to criticize because it is like falling, it doesn’t require any effort. The challenge and blessing of edification is that it raises people and “appreciates” people. When we “appreciate” people we actually increase their value in their own eyes.

“Be the Model, not the Critic.”

Association wields a power that is indisputable. The scripture tells us this in Psalms 1:1; Proverbs 13:20; I Corinthians 15:33 and Proverbs 23:17-21 that there are traps that are set for us by our association with wicked or foolish people. We must take care not to fall into the trap for foolishness.

Association occurs in may ways, it has been said, “I will become over the next two (2) years like the books I read and the people with whom I associate. We assume and take on the character and values of the people and media around us because it not only tells us what to think about, it also tells us what to think.

Discover the Power of Association:

1. The artwork and symbols in our homes and environment influence out values and character.
2. The television is a power communicator of contemporary values that may not be in line with our faith bases values.
3. Self-Talk is born out the fountain within each of us and shapes our lives in incredible ways.

“Education” is rooted in the Latin language and is derived from the Latin word “educo” meaning, “I draw out of,” as if to dip a bucket into a well and to bring the water up to the top for use. Therefore education was intended to be a refining of the gifts and abilities of the individual as they learned how to live their lives in line with the principles that produce a higher quality of life.

What we know is that we as humans have and continue to develop beyond what we now know or perceive as our limits. In a real sense, real education is founded upon the belief that we can only get better by pushing the limits of our current knowledge and stretching ourselves beyond our current abilities.

Paul echoes this striving as he tells us that he Philippians that he has not apprehended, but that he continues to “press on toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” Education like discipleship is not a destination it is a process.

The scripture is clear to both the child and the parent that there are requirements for each of us. We must both recognize the demands that the Bible places upon our children and us as parents. The Commandment offers us a path to follow once we understand the word honor. The word “honor” indicates the presence of a commitment that we are being called upon to fulfill. What the scripture is calling the children to do is to remain faithful to the commitment to care for your parents as they age and need your assistance, and by so doing that your children will witness you acts and learn from your example. Then when they are old they will not depart from what you have shown them and they will honor you by caring for you.

The scripture continues in Ephesians to instruct us as parents, that we ought not provoke our children to anger just because we have power over them. We must remember that they will become adults and may have the authority and responsibility of caring for us as we age. They will likely honor us in the same way that we reared them.

Proverbs 23:15&16 says,
“My child, how I will rejoice if you become wise. Yes, my heart will thrill when you speak what is right and just.”

The purpose and goal of parenting is to rear children that you can respect for the kind of life that they live and the quality of their choices.  Not all training will be accepted. We must recognize that some people will not be trained and will not prepare for any of life’s eventualities, therefore as parents we must train them and release them to God.

Finishing the Course
Mid-course corrections along the right path are necessary, because even the right path has detours and forks in the road. The Proverbs instruct us to discipline our children. It is critical to know that discipline is designed to equip the person being disciplined with certain tools or capacities that will allow and insure their safe passage from point “A” to point “B”. Parental discipline done properly is not punishment and should not be accompanied by guilt.

Many of the behaviors that we see in children and laugh about, are at the least rude and obnoxious as children and at the worst are dangerous and destructive as adults. We must remember that the path our children are trained in during their early years or preparation will become the path that they will not soon depart. Proverbs 23:12-14 instructs us in the following way:

“Commit yourself to instruction; attune your ears to hear words of knowledge. Don’t fail to correct your children; they won’t die if you spank them. Physical discipline may well save them from death.”

Parenting like leadership begins with a clear destination in mind and the wisdom to choose the right direction. Doing the correct and right thing is most often uncomfortable and presents a challenge to us. There is a reason why it is more challenging to do the correct thing than it is to do the wrong thing.
The following dictums illustrate the challenge of doing the right thing.

We are always reminded that the problem with opportunity is that it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work. Parenting like leadership is not easily accomplished. It is the result of purposeful and determined focus and effort in the right direction on the right things.

Next Week:  Honoring Your Parents!

Empowering Parents, Empower Their Children

As a parent of twins soon to be 18, the age of majority, I have learned a few things that have empowered us in the parent-child relationship. 

Leadership and parenting are so closely related to one another that it is only natural to address them together. The truth is that parenting like leadership is rooted in nurture. Nurture is the process of caring for someone or something with purpose and intent to see the one being nurtured develop into self-sufficiency and independence.

Teach children to choose the right path, and when they are older, they will remain upon it. Proverbs 22:6 NLT

There are a couple of important ideas that are submerged in this often quoted passage of scripture.

The first idea is: There is (a) right path.
The challenge with much of the parenting that we do today is we allow our children to make to many important decisions too early in their life: about their friends, how they spend their time, how they gather information and what that source of the information will be. The power of the “path” is found in the simple reality; not all paths lead to the same destination.

It has been suggested that if you liked the way that you were raised (after and honest evaluation) then get your children around your parents. The secret to parenting is to know where it is that you want your children to end up, in other words have a destination in mind. What do you want for you children? The path we choose for them has a destination.

The second idea is: Prepare them for independence
The reality of parenting is that it is a life sentence, a life of joy or some mixture of the two. We must remember as the scripture instructs us that we are preparing our children for the multitude of difficult decisions that they will have to make after as they explore their independence and after they have left our primary care.

In actuality, our children will be under our direct and primary care for some 18-25 years. We hope and pray that they will live to at least 70 years of age, meaning that our children will live more years independent of our care than they did under our care, some 52-45 years. Our primary challenge as parents is to help our children, by training them to make right path choices now in preparation for the time when we will no longer shoulder primary responsibility for them.

Knowing that our challenge is to get them ready to assume the weight of responsibility for their own lives, rather than make them into perfect little people, helps us to discipline our behavior toward them.  Ask yourself, in what ways will my style of parenting prepare my child to make healthy and life-enriching decisions when I am no longer their primary decision maker. 

One essential to remember is that children should serve the interests of larger family, rather than become liabilities. We empower our children by teaching them that they have a key role to play in helping the family be successful.  I remember asking my mother once, "Moma, do you have some money, I want to go to the corner store and get some candy?"  She said, "No!"  I replied, "But, I saw some money on your dresser."  To which she said, "I do have money for groceries, but not for candy."  Her response did not make me happy as a child of 9 or 10 but it made sense to me, because she was teaching me that we have to prioritize how we spend our resources: Time, Talent, Relationships and our Money.

Next Week: Rearing The Adults You Want!

"There was never a time in which the need for self-expression was so much stressed.  Yet, there was never a time in which self-expression was so rarely achieved; in which there was so much pressure to adjust oneself to conventions, cliches, to vogue and standardization.  The self is silent, words are dead and prayer is a forgotten language.  

Man cannot pour his heart into a vacuum.  If words are artificial signs, if meaning is but an invention; if there is no echo to the anguish of a tortured world; if man is alone; if the world moves in a vacuum, of what ultimate worth is all expression?"   (Man's Quest For God: Studies in Prayer and Symbolism pg. xi)

Prayer is the most misunderstood, infrequently taught, yet most often used and profoundly intimate of all our disciplines. Attend virutally any form of worship event and see how often prayer is used and the many ways it is abused.

Prayer has been used as a surrogate sermon, a veiled attack and pretentious profession. We have learned to pray rote phrases, strung together with lyric tones as a substitute for an authentic outpouring beforeGod.

We commit to memory the Child's Prayer; saying without thought or feeling, "Now I lay me down to sleep..." We mouth the Lord's Prayer never truly grasping the truth that each of us should wrap our arms around. We victimize the hallowed practice of prayer, making a mockery of the divine opportunity it offers.

Prayer is a sublime invitation to approach the unapproachable and to SPEAK! In Prayer we are given a channel through which, what we cannot say to another living being, may be said to the Living One.

Prayer may come haltingly from our lips as evidence of either our disconnect or our profound hurt and injury. Prayer may flow over our lips as if it were a flood mounting the banks of a river, swelling; leaving nothing in its path untouched and unchanged.

The problem with Prayer is that we feel compelled to use our words, human creations. Words are symbols, reasonable facsimilies of the real, the deep, ineffable and inward cry.

Prayer is more than practice, yet it is practice as well. We must never mistake our act of Praying for Real Prayer. The act and form of Prayer are simply the wrapping, the conduit through which we lift our heart to God for His examination. In that moment the sublime dialogue begins and the real LOVE meant for all relationships can be experienced.