Discipled Living Relationship Space

Listening is Loving in Relationships!

2011-09-21T17:20:06Z

It has been observed that we have two eyes and two ears to receive information and only one mouth to send information and that we ought to use them in that proportion. If we use this as a model for relationships we should invest 80% of our time listening and focusing on the other person and only 20% of the time speaking. Listening is a skill that can only be acquired through diligence and practice.

Dale Carnegie, in his famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, said, “So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist; be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.”

Building healthy relationships requires a few well developed skills and some degree of creative artistry. Yet no skill is more valuable than the art of listening. One of the greatest challenges in many relationships is that we don’t listen to what people say and worse, we don’t listen for what they aren’t saying.

The True Value of Relationship

If you fail to value relationship, then you will not study the art of listening. Relationship is the chief concern of healthy people. Studies show that married people live longer lives than their single counterparts. Healthy growing relationships add dimension and depth to our lives. We express ourselves through relationships and we discover more about ourselves through relationships.

The true value of relationship is found in its ability to multiply us, to magnify our gifts and to compensate for our weaknesses. We are made better by the complement of healthy relationship.

Healthy Relationships Thrive on Good Communication

Thriving community is rooted in healthy communication. Healthy communication is build upon the skill and art of listening. We listen to and focus upon the things or the people we value the most. Our relationships are molded and made by the give and take of communication.

One of the chief challenges to a healthy relationship is “noise” otherwise known as “static” in the channel between the speaker and the listener. We all interpret what we see, hear and perceive through the filter of personal experiences, biases and attitudes. Often we fail to hear what the other person means because we interpret their words in ways that fail to capture their intended meaning.

Dr. Osmo Wiio, the Finnish researcher concluded four things about communication which have become known as “Wiio’s Laws”. His insights may inform our efforts to improve as listeners and our goal of building healthy, productive relationships. He says,

<> If communication can fail, it will.

<> If a message can be understood in different ways, it will be understood in just that way which does the most harm.

<> There is always somebody who knows better than you what you meant by your message.

<> The more communication there is, the more difficult it is for communication to succeed.

Because there are inherent challenges to effectively communicating we must invest more time in effectively listening. One way to learn how to communicate more effectively is by practicing certain active listening skills. It is perfect practice makes for a perfect performance. Here are four listening skills you can practice.

1.) Listen with your entire body. When listening, look at the person’s face and position your body in a fashion that says to them, “You have my undivided attention.”

2.) Use the listening device, minimal encouragers. These are small statements such as, “uh huh,” “yes,” “that’s right,” or “and then?” Minimal encouragers may also be gestures or facial expressions such as gently nodding at the person speaking or a slight smile which suggests that you enjoy their voice or the information they are sharing.

3.) When you are unsure, or disagree with the speaker, ask a listening question such as, “Did I hear you correctly when you said, __________?” or “let me tell you what I’m hearing you say,__________________. Is that what you mean?”

4.) Finally, turn off the radio, television, running water or whatever other distractions which may be static in the communication channel between you and the person speaking. Simply say, “Hey wait a minute,” or “Hold your thought, I want to hear what you are saying.” Then turn off the distraction and give them your whole undivided attention.

Learning how to effectively listen can be the source of great vitality in healthy as well as floundering relationships. It is important that you both agree to listen and hear each other before you make a decision to act. If we keep our eyes and ears open wide we will have fewer occasions to put your foot in your mouth. Listen more, your relationships depend on it.

Love, Naked and Unashamed

2011-06-01T16:34:09Z

In a society and a culture which thrives on sensation and shock value it is virtually impossible to achieve what the Scriptures declares at the conclusion of the creation epic in Genesis 2:25, where God records the following narrative. "Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame." (New Living Translation) The King James Version of the same passage translates it this way: "And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed."

Enjoying our relationships in this manner, Naked and Unashamed would require that we release each other from the bondage to shame and embarrassment that drives our popular culture. Shame is desirable, in fact it pleases because it redirects attention from our self-perceived failures, inadequacies and Sin. We love shame so long as its spotlight is pointed at the other person.

Unfortunately and destructively believers have bought into our cultural fascination with shame and embarrassment. We force people to lie about themselves for fear that their Sin and weakness might be seen and they feel the full weight of our displeasure over their sinfulness. They hide behind created personas which mask their true selves.

We force people to become both Pharisees and "Hypokrites" (HIP-O-CRY-TEES) the Greek word used in the scripture as an indictment. Jesus called the scribes and the Pharisees "Hypokrites" which means in the Greek, "A stage actor, hence one who pretends to be what he is not." We see this used throughout Matthew and in Luke; particularly Luke 11:44 in which Jesus says, " Luke 11:44 44Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are as graves which appear not, and the men that walk over them are not aware of them. King James Version (KJV)

We cause hypocrisy among believers because we love their shame more than their deliverance from the source of their "shame." We have been instructed differently in Scripture by the life and teachings of Christ and the Word of God. In every instance of Sin Jesus encountered where the people were cast in the light of Shame by the Pharisees, Jesus broke the yoke of shame and Sin off their neck. Disciples of Jesus Christ are instructed by God through James, 5:16 "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."
God is clear that we should "confess our faults one to another." Yet we cannot because we fear the shame which confession brings from those to whom we confess. Therefore it is our unwillingness to deliver people from their shame and their fear of shame which causes so many believers to live as Pharisees toward others and Hypokrites in regard to themselves.

We are the Loving Community called the Church. We are known by the Love we have for one another, as Jesus instructed. Yet the converse is also true, we are known by the lack of Love we have for one another. The truth is that we cannot love people and love shame simultaneously. One must love one or the other and can never love both. It is only in a community of Love that we are empowered to "Confess... to another"

Confession is a clear statement of responsibility for their act, it is an admission of guilt and therefore is a burden upon the person confessing in and of itself. To intensify a person's shame over a Sin which they have acknowledged and owned by confession is adding insult to injury, it is to participate in the thief's agenda, "To Steal, Kill and Destroy" John 10:10

As believers and Disciples of Jesus Christ we are called and commanded to pray for the one who has confessed and to expect healing from the source of their shame to occur because our prayer when prayed with passion and intent produces much. If we were the loving community, then we would Love the people and not the appearance of their shame, and when their shame is made known we would cover it with our Love and say like Jesus says, "now go and sin no more."

In Jesus Christ, we can live, and love Naked and Unashamed because He breaks the yoke of shame off those who confess before him. When we confess, then we leave the shadows of darkness which hide our shame and live in the light of the Son. In His light there are no masks to hide behind and no shame to feel for, "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1a
Jesus says the following in John 8:12, "I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life." (KJV) In Christ we are freed from shame and our masks should be put away, and we are released from condemning others and are now free to Love them, Naked and Unashamed.

Parenting is A Life Sentence!

2010-05-30T21:45:34Z

It has been said that “parenthood is a life sentence.” The question that many parents can not seem to resolve is, “How far do I go with my children?” Some will say, “All the way!” I echo this response with a simple qualification, “I will go all the way with my children in the right and healthy direction.”

You love your child! Loving your child is not difficult because no matter how well or poorly he or she lives; you will likely have a passion for them. They are part of us, and we can see ourselves in their faces. They walk like us and talk like us and in many ways our children are the best of us and the worst of us.

Do I love my child is not be the question you must answer. The real question we must answer is do I respect my children? You see love is my decision; it is an act of my will as the parent. You demonstrate your Love for your children by the life of sacrifice you live that enhances and empowers their lives. We love our children by creating space for them to grow and develop into adults who are responsible and honest.

The highest calling of parenthood is to rear our children with an eye toward their future and a clear awareness of their present frailty and need. I attempted to convey this truth to my children by explaining our role as their parents to them as soon as they were old enough to make sense of the words.

We said, “We are not your friends, we are your parents. We love you because we choose to love you. God gives children to serve the family, not the other way around. You will be under our direct guidance for 18 to 21 years and then you will have to you’re your own decisions and handle the consequences on your own for the next 60 years. Our job is not to make you happy; it’s to get you ready.”

I am confident that should more parents think forward about the quality of their children’s life as adults, then their quality of adult life would improve. I have worked hard to avoid the temptation of fantasizing about the career my children would have, how much money they would make and so on. I instead have been fixated upon the kind of people they would grow to become, regardless of their chosen career. Would my children be honest, hard working, sincere, trustworthy, respectable, respectful, learners and ambitious people?

In effect, would my children become people whom I could and will “RESPECT”! Will my kids make and continue to make healthy, loving and life-giving decisions about how they spend their time, engage relationships and grow? You see while I control whether or not I love my children, but I have no control over whether or not I respect my children. Respect is my response to a person who shows himself or herself respectable.

Parents have a relatively short time to prepare children for life as adults. Typically w have about 20 years to get the job done. Consequently, they have 60 years on their own to live as respect-able adults. Parents who have poured their lives into their children only to see it squandered by bad decisions and even worse associations should feel no shame. You love your child, and have loved them conspicuously by your investment in them through the years since their birth.

Yet there must be a point of “TFNF”. You must say to your child, “Thus far and no farther!” The TFNF is not a termination of support; it is the transformation of support. We must allow our children to grow beyond their need to cling to our pant-legs and skirt-tales. We still Love our children. In time we will grow to respect our children’s life. While this is true, the type of help and support and help must change so that our posterity might find their strength in what Nicolas Berdyaev calls the “Greatest Mystery of Life.”

In his book, The Destiny of Man, Berdyaev says,

“The greatest mystery of life is that satisfaction is felt not by those who take and make demands, but by those who give and make sacrifices. In them alone the energy of life does not fail, and this is precisely what is meant my creativeness. Therefore the positive mystery of life is to found in love, in sacrificial, giving, creative love.”

We must never fail in our love for our children, for in it is the mystery of Life. Should your child choose to participate in the same legacy, then he or she will experience and perpetuate the Great Mystery of Life with their own children. Ultimately, rearing children we respect is the greatest gift we can give our grand-children.

And the Winner Is...

2009-10-26T15:38:28Z

Ancient Wisdom, Contemporary Power!

There are people who love a good argument. You know them personally because they have been or are your friend, family member or perhaps it’s you. I remember as a young man growing up in the West End of Louisville, KY how my friends would challenge one another to slap boxing matches.

I did not join in the slap boxing matches because I never really understood why people felt compelled to slap one another. I was a training martial artist and felt that the only person I should strike is an enemy who desires to do me grievous harm. Even in sparring matches we were careful not to injure or embarrass our sparring partner. We were there to learn and to improve at our art and sparring provided a safe and respectful way to achieve that end. We became “partners” in our mutual improvement.

Our teacher, “Uncle Sonny” always said, “In sparring I borrow your body, I will not hurt you and I will return it to you in better condition than when you loaned it to me.” It was our mutual responsibility to respect the other person and to create a competitive, yet safe learning laboratory for our art.

This safe respectful laboratory approach to sparring was not shared on the concrete and asphalt canvasses of the back alley slap boxing matches. What presumably began as a friendly contest between partners/running buddies quickly descended into a wholesale fist fight.

For every slap boxing match I witnessed, I saw one very hard strike to the face followed by some version of this response, “Hey man, you are hitting too hard, so it’s like that huh?” Following some version of those words the slaps became wilder and harder and eventually became closed fists.

It was for this reason that I decided never to slap box. I made that decision out of wisdom rather than out of fear as some would suggest. I chose to refrain from slap boxing matches because I never saw even one end the way they began, friendly.

Proverbs echoes this truth by saying “Starting a quarrel is like opening a floodgate, so stop before a dispute breaks out.” Proverbs 17:14 (NLT) In the same way, slap boxing was the prelude to a destructive encounter and the potential end of a friendship. The wisdom of Proverbs is indisputable. An earlier version of the New Living Translation interpreted a portion of this scripture with the following words, “so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.”

There is great wisdom in this for every type of relationship from the youngest to the oldest, from the playgrounds and school yards, to the marital bedrooms and corporate boardrooms. We are wired for either, “Fight or Flight”. The challenge is that for those who chose flight, they will likely do it with their opponent pursuing them all the way.

While I do not advocate violence, I do not advocate victimization as its alternative. The better path and the greater wisdom are found in the Proverb, “Do not start a quarrel!” The unfortunate reality is that you may not be the one who starts the quarrel, but you may end it by choosing to drop the matter. You will always have control over how you respond to a challenge that is presented. You never have to respond to a question, query or challenge in the manner expected by the person or group issuing it. You have complete control over your response. Never allow fear of what others might say about your choice to determine the choice that you make.

In the end, keeping the floodgates closed preserves life, health and relationships. The same chapter of the Proverbs offers this wisdom in 17:19 “Anyone who loves to quarrel loves sin; anyone who speaks boastfully invites disaster.” You draw your own conclusions about people who choose to start and or love to quarrel. The truth is that adults who love to quarrel are just like back alley slap boxers destined to get hit too hard and then all HELL breaks loose. The only sure way to win is to drop the matter before the dispute breaks out.

The Wisdom of Silence!

2009-10-19T12:00:57Z

The value and power of silence are greatly underestimated in our culture. Our culture operates on a “squeaky wheel gets the grease” ethic. Many people believe that the louder they proclaim their opinions the truer they become. In fact, they are only shouting so loudly that they drown out the sound of truth.

Then there are those who love to hear themselves talk. They relish the sound of their voice and cherish their forcefully shared views. I know people who would rather speak than listen and are so uncomfortable with silence that they compulsively fill it with noise.

It is the malady of post-modernity. We have become so accustomed to auditory stimulation that we must play our televisions and radios in the background to drown out the silence. The challenge is that we have become a people who are more distracted by silence than we are by the indiscriminate noise that pollutes our world.

When I see a friend or an acquaintance they will occasionally ask, “What do you say?” My patent reply is, “Not much, because it keeps me out of trouble.” I have learned that I should speak only when it is necessary and even then only when the necessity is a demand specific to me.

The Wisdom Literature of the Bible counsels us that, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” Proverbs 18:21 The words we speak produce a return and which will return to us. It is for this reason that a wise person finds comfort in silence.

God goes on further in Proverbs 17:27 and says, “A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered. 28 Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent”

Silence is the womb of thought, innovation and productivity. We become wiser by our silence because we are properly positioned to receive instruction and wisdom from other sources. Proverbs 13:3 tells us, “The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.” NASV

There are times when we must speak! We must speak when what we have to contribute increases the quality of life in those to whom we speak. Speak when your words encourage, instruct and correct; always weighing your words because you may have to wear them if they return to you.

Speak only life and discover the pleasure and power of silence. When you quiet your mind, you are in the best posture to hear from Heaven. Remember…

“When you are talking, you’re not learning because what you are saying, you already know!”

War and Peace In Relationships: Real Or Imagined

2009-08-17T18:10:43Z

One of the most challenging aspects of relationship is managing our anger over real or imagined events in our lives. Think about it, have you ever become angry with a friend, family member or intimate partner only to realize that they never really did anything to make you angry? Have you ever felt angry for no obvious reason?

Undoubtedly, you are the victim of stress. Your inward conflict is externalizing through your relationships. The real enemy is stress in your life and not the person upon whom the stress is being deflected. Perhaps you have experienced this as the person who was the object of the anger, for no apparent reason.

Learning how to manage our relationships during stressful times is critical to their long term success. The unfortunate truth is we have likely been on both sides of the equation. Fortunately God offers the following wisdom that can help us:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

The wisdom in this statement presupposes that the partners have a clear intent for their relationship. Ask yourself, “Have I thought clearly about the desired outcome for each of my most valued relationships?” “What do I want to achieve in my friendships, with my family and my intimate relationship?”

Decide what you want to achieve and resolve to align your actions and comments with your intention. In many years of mentoring couples and men of all ages, I have found that the greatest challenge is that few people think beyond the momentary offense, real or imagined. When you fail to look at the long-term as well as the big picture you will make poor decisions that are based solely upon the ire of the moment. You are making live altering decisions about relationships driven by a temporary emotional overload.

Anger Experts

We all know how to anger our partners, family and friends. If you don’t know their soft spots, then you either haven’t known them very long or you haven’t been paying attention. I always advise people to study your mate, discover the things which ignite anger, sadness and frustration and make it your business to steer them and yourself away for those topics, if at all possible.

You may think that this is a coward’s way out and that you have the “right” to address these issues. God counsels us in Romans 12:28;

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

God understands that there are times when you will not be able to live at peace with people because they will not allow it. At the same time we are instructed to live “at peace” if the peace depends on us. You do not have to be a doormat; God has released you from that humiliation. At the same time we are not given permission to be destroyers and wreckers of relationships simply because we can. If the peace in your relationships depends upon you, FIX the problem. You honor God in Christ when you are obedient and everyone around you benefits from the healthy relationship.

I am not suggesting that you avoid confrontation to resolve destructive issues in your family or circle of friends? I am saying; choose carefully which issues become part of your non-negotiables and drive the direction of your relationships.

Once you have concluded what you will not accept, make sure that you are not imagining the existence of these issues. Examine yourself first before you consider another. Jesus said it best,” Do not judge others and you will not be judged.” Matthew 7:1 (NLT)

God offers insight for us as we struggle to manage ourselves and prosper our relationships. He says, “Only simpletons believe everything they are told! The prudent carefully consider their steps. The wise are cautious and avoid danger; fools plunge ahead with reckless confidence.” Proverbs 14:15&16 (NLT)

It is in our collective best interest that we believers and disciples of Jesus Christ accept and follow the wisdom of God. To maintain and build healthy, life-giving relationships we must remain focused upon the wisdom of God who created relationships. He is the first Lover. Before creation was formed God purposed to create healthy, life-giving and loving relationships. Relationships are healthier when guided by this simple, single principle:

“Prioritize the long-term health of the relationships over the short-term offense or problem which threatens the health of your relationship.”

Edification is essential to building a healthy self-concept.

2009-07-24T04:01:31Z

The Third of three Keys to building healthy successful lives for our children.

Edification is essential to building a healthy self-concept and therefore is critical to a life of faith. Edification is the process of building a person through appropriate and positive praise. Most people experience de-edification, in other words, people are torn down by others either intentionally or unintentionally.

Criticism and Correction are not the same thing. The difference between the two is as stark as the following statements:

"You are so stupid, can’t you get anything right. I’ve told you a million times what to do and how to do it.”
"Okay, we have talked about this before, let’s see if we can get this to work this time, let me show you again how to do this.”

It is easier to criticize because it is like falling, it doesn’t require any effort. The challenge and blessing of edification is that it raises people and “appreciates” people. When we “appreciate” people we actually increase their value in their own eyes.

“Be the Model, not the Critic.”

Association is the most powerful force in the universe

2009-07-23T04:01:55Z

The Second of three Keys to building healthy successful lives for our children.

Association wields a power that is indisputable. The scripture tells us this in Psalms 1:1; Proverbs 13:20; I Corinthians 15:33 and Proverbs 23:17-21 that there are traps that are set for us by our association with wicked or foolish people. We must take care not to fall into the trap for foolishness.

Association occurs in may ways, it has been said, “I will become over the next two (2) years like the books I read and the people with whom I associate. We assume and take on the character and values of the people and media around us because it not only tells us what to think about, it also tells us what to think.

Discover the Power of Association:

The artwork and symbols in our homes and environment influence out values and character.
The television is a power communicator of contemporary values that may not be in line with our faith bases values.
Self-Talk is born out the fountain within each of us and shapes our lives in incredible ways.

Education is a never-ending process not a destination.

2009-07-22T04:01:55Z

The First of three Keys to building healthy, successful lives for our children.

“Education” is rooted in the Latin language and is derived from the Latin word “educo” meaning, “I draw out of,” as if to dip a bucket into a well and to bring the water up to the top for use. Therefore education was intended to be a refining of the gifts and abilities of the individual as they learned how to live their lives in line with the principles that produce a higher quality of life.

What we know is that we as humans have and continue to develop beyond what we now know or perceive as our limits. In a real sense, real education is founded upon the belief that we can only get better by pushing the limits of our current knowledge and stretching ourselves beyond our current abilities.

Paul echoes this striving as he tells us that he Philippians that he has not apprehended, but that he continues to “press on toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” Education like discipleship is not a destination it is a process.

Honoring Our Parents

2009-07-15T04:01:13Z

Ephesians 6:1-4 offer extends wisdom to the parents as it instructs us in the following ways:.” This is the first of the Ten Commandments that ends with a promise. And this is the promise: If you honor your father and mother, you will live a long life, full of blessing.” And now a word to you fathers. Don’t make your children angry by the way you treat them. Rather bring them up with the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord.

The scripture is clear to both the child and the parent that there are requirements for each of us. We must both recognize the demands that the Bible places upon our children and us as parents. The Commandment offers us a path to follow once we understand the word honor. The word “honor” indicates the presence of a commitment that we are being called upon to fulfill. What the scripture is calling the children to do is to remain faithful to the commitment to care for your parents as they age and need your assistance, and by so doing that your children will witness you acts and learn from your example. Then when they are old they will not depart from what you have shown them and they will honor you by caring for you.

The scripture continues in Ephesians to instruct us as parents, that we ought not provoke our children to anger just because we have power over them. We must remember that they will become adults and may have the authority and responsibility of caring for us as we age. They will likely honor us in the same way that we reared them.