discipled living

Empowering Parents, Empower Their Children

As a parent of twins soon to be 18, the age of majority, I have learned a few things that have empowered us in the parent-child relationship. 

Leadership and parenting are so closely related to one another that it is only natural to address them together. The truth is that parenting like leadership is rooted in nurture. Nurture is the process of caring for someone or something with purpose and intent to see the one being nurtured develop into self-sufficiency and independence.

Teach children to choose the right path, and when they are older, they will remain upon it. Proverbs 22:6 NLT

There are a couple of important ideas that are submerged in this often quoted passage of scripture.

The first idea is: There is (a) right path.
The challenge with much of the parenting that we do today is we allow our children to make to many important decisions too early in their life: about their friends, how they spend their time, how they gather information and what that source of the information will be. The power of the “path” is found in the simple reality; not all paths lead to the same destination.

It has been suggested that if you liked the way that you were raised (after and honest evaluation) then get your children around your parents. The secret to parenting is to know where it is that you want your children to end up, in other words have a destination in mind. What do you want for you children? The path we choose for them has a destination.

The second idea is: Prepare them for independence
The reality of parenting is that it is a life sentence, a life of joy or some mixture of the two. We must remember as the scripture instructs us that we are preparing our children for the multitude of difficult decisions that they will have to make after as they explore their independence and after they have left our primary care.

In actuality, our children will be under our direct and primary care for some 18-25 years. We hope and pray that they will live to at least 70 years of age, meaning that our children will live more years independent of our care than they did under our care, some 52-45 years. Our primary challenge as parents is to help our children, by training them to make right path choices now in preparation for the time when we will no longer shoulder primary responsibility for them.

Knowing that our challenge is to get them ready to assume the weight of responsibility for their own lives, rather than make them into perfect little people, helps us to discipline our behavior toward them.  Ask yourself, in what ways will my style of parenting prepare my child to make healthy and life-enriching decisions when I am no longer their primary decision maker. 

One essential to remember is that children should serve the interests of larger family, rather than become liabilities. We empower our children by teaching them that they have a key role to play in helping the family be successful.  I remember asking my mother once, "Moma, do you have some money, I want to go to the corner store and get some candy?"  She said, "No!"  I replied, "But, I saw some money on your dresser."  To which she said, "I do have money for groceries, but not for candy."  Her response did not make me happy as a child of 9 or 10 but it made sense to me, because she was teaching me that we have to prioritize how we spend our resources: Time, Talent, Relationships and our Money.

Next Week: Rearing The Adults You Want!

Abraham Heschel published these words in 1954,

"There was never a time in which the need for self-expression was so much stressed.  Yet, there was never a time in which self-expression was so rarely achieved; in which there was so much pressure to adjust oneself to conventions, cliches, to vogue and standardization.  The self is silent, words are dead and prayer is a forgotten language.  

Man cannot pour his heart into a vacuum.  If words are artificial signs, if meaning is but an invention; if there is no echo to the anguish of a tortured world; if man is alone; if the world moves in a vacuum, of what ultimate worth is all expression?"   (Man's Quest For God: Studies in Prayer and Symbolism pg. xi)

Prayer is the most misunderstood, infrequently taught, yet most often used and profoundly intimate of all our disciplines. Attend virutally any form of worship event and see how often prayer is used and the many ways it is abused.

Prayer has been used as a surrogate sermon, a veiled attack and pretentious profession. We have learned to pray rote phrases, strung together with lyric tones as a substitute for an authentic outpouring beforeGod.

We commit to memory the Child's Prayer; saying without thought or feeling, "Now I lay me down to sleep..." We mouth the Lord's Prayer never truly grasping the truth that each of us should wrap our arms around. We victimize the hallowed practice of prayer, making a mockery of the divine opportunity it offers.

Prayer is a sublime invitation to approach the unapproachable and to SPEAK! In Prayer we are given a channel through which, what we cannot say to another living being, may be said to the Living One.

Prayer may come haltingly from our lips as evidence of either our disconnect or our profound hurt and injury. Prayer may flow over our lips as if it were a flood mounting the banks of a river, swelling; leaving nothing in its path untouched and unchanged.

The problem with Prayer is that we feel compelled to use our words, human creations. Words are symbols, reasonable facsimilies of the real, the deep, ineffable and inward cry.

Prayer is more than practice, yet it is practice as well. We must never mistake our act of Praying for Real Prayer. The act and form of Prayer are simply the wrapping, the conduit through which we lift our heart to God for His examination. In that moment the sublime dialogue begins and the real LOVE meant for all relationships can be experienced.

As a parent, rearing children brings a unique set of joys and special sets of challenges. We enjoy our children and like most parents we want them to grow up and become successful. Determining what the word, “Success” will mean for each child is in large part out of our hands. At best we can lead, teach, cajole, prod and direct them in ways we believe and or know to be the most productive.

How will our children make their living? Most parents have no clue; any more than our parents knew about us. So it is clear, you can't determine their success based upon a career choice. I have often said in my parenting workshops; “I will be a success as a parent when I can look at my Daughter and Son and say, I respect you”

I have discovered that one of my greatest challenges as a parent is to moderate my response to my children’s less than stellar behavior. I have tried, some time successfully, to speak with an even tone even when I am agitated. I do this so that I can keep the conversation between us going. I have found that when I elevate, they elevate right along with me; the only difference is that they eventually get quiet.

If we haven’t resolved the challenge together by the time they go silent, then I know I have made an error in parenting. My goal is to get them talking and to keep them talking to me about the issues they are facing. One-sided conversations don’t work, because they assume the form of order-giving. What we have always done with our children is to try and get them to think before they act. Think about the consequences of your words and your actions.

When I was a young man, my mother said to me and my twin brother, “I don’t want any girl’s mother coming to my back door, saying, ‘Your son got my daughter pregnant’”. She would add, “Because if she does, everything that goes to you now, will go to the baby!” She went on to draw graphic illustrations with her words, such as, “I’ll cut your water off!” and “I’ll break your plate!” all which further solidified my resolve not to do the things she warned against.

You may read these words and say to yourself, “She was harsh!” As a young man I never thought of these words as anything other than a wise warning from a loving mother who was living sacrificially everyday for her three children. I believed her because everything she said she would do for us, she did even with limited means; oftentimes by denying herself.

Some years later after I had married and we had two children, I was driving to my home with a young man I had mentored for nearly 6 years in the vehicle with me. During the drive, while reminiscing about his late grandmother, he said, “Man I wish I had listened to my grandmother when she said,______________.”

I thought for a moment about what he had just said as I drove and I looked over at him and said, “I did listen to my mother!’ At that moment I realized the incalculable value in listening and doing what those who love you most suggest for your benefit.

Today as a parent, mentor and consultant, I try to help others by communicating the truth that I learned from my mother, and later articulated as a result of that drive time conversation. Think before you act, because you actions have long-term repercussions and will set in motion a chain of events that you will not be able to stop or direct.

I don’t presume to instruct anyone who is not interested in the information I provide about how to parent or make good decisions. I only want to offer ideas about how to communicate with your children to achieve your goals with them as a parent or as a business owner with your employees or a pastor with church staff and congregation.

Three ideas for your consideration:

We must be creative about keeping people talking during points of conflict and discord.

We must carefully listen to those who love us most and at least consider the things they suggest for our benefit.

We must consider the consequences of our words and actions upon our future and the future of those around us.

We must do these three things, because at some point in your life you will say one of these two things, “I am Glad I Did” or “I wish I had”.